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I have two sets of glasses.
One set I wear to work.
The other set I wear to bed.
Why?
Because I watch TV in bed.
TV takes my mind off my day to day activities. Without it, I’d stay awake thinking about what happened that day and what is on the agenda for the next day. I’d think about things I should have said and things I shouldn’t have said.(I’m careful to make sure what I fall asleep to is wholesome–I don’t want to be subliminally influenced by what’s on. Usually, I fall asleep to one of my Jane Austen movies which serves a dual purpose).
So, every night I fall asleep with my glasses still on my nose.
Jokingly I say I need them for my dreams. But I’m sure I have perfect vision in my dreams.
My bedtime glasses are old. They’re not even the right prescription (no need to tell me this is wrong. I already know it is). In fact, one side is held together with duct tape(handy for just about anything).
Imagine my complete horror when, a couple of weeks ago, I got out of my car at work, walked toward the office building and noticed some strange object just off to the side of my field of vision.
You guessed it, I wore the wrong pair of glasses to work. The ones with the duct tape.
Now, I work in a nice place where the men wear suits and the women dress fashionably.
I suppose my true fear is that everyone would realize the truth about me–I am a duct tape-wearing kinda girl. Which would make me an imposter at my job. Because we shouldn’t be wearing duct tape and clients may not trust someone wearing duct tape.
But I believe everyone needs a little humbling every now and then.
Shakespeare used a vocabulary of 54,000 words.
Today, we use 3000.
Our culture has managed to combine two words to make one new word.
I guess it was just too hard to keep up with two words.
For example: ginormous — from gigantic and enormous. Will this make the two words obsolete? Thus decreasing our vocab from 3,000 to 2,999?
I don’t know, but I saw this youtube video by John Branyan posted on Rachelle Gardner’s blog the other day and thought it hilarious and brilliant– should we call it brilarious? (Did I just invent a new word? Maybe I’m brilarious).
My son hates it when I beat him at Wheel of Fortune.
And when I have, yet again, bested him in solving a puzzle, he “storms” from the room in pretend disgust. As he leaves the room he yells back over his shoulder, “Why don’t you try out for the show.”
And I say “Because I don’t look good on video. The camera is not kind to me.”
I’d say, “Logan, does this TV make me look fat?”
To which my son would reply, “It’s not the TV, Mama.”
I think highly of my son. Very highly. (Cause he’s much taller than me. No really, I love my boy).
He makes me laugh.Which means I think he’s brilliant. Even though his grades don’t reflect his brilliance. He can solve a rubik’s cube in under a minute.
He loves funny stuff –comedians, T-shirts with funny sayings or pictures, jokes, etc.
In September we took our annual Myrtle Beach trip.
While there we saw the Pirate’s Voyage, a new dinner show complete with high dive acts, mermaids and of course, pirates.
As we were walking from the parking lot to the show, I quickly snapped this picture, not paying attention to what I was doing because we were rushing to catch the pre-show. When we returned to our condo I checked my camera and lo and behold, this is what I had taken:
Yes, my son is wearing a Kool-Aid T-shirt. My little niece wanted to dress like him, so now we call him the Big Pitcher and her the little glass of Kool-Aid. For his birthday (aka Halloween) he could’ve dressed as the headless Kool-Aid man. Now that’s scary stuff.
Oh-Yeah!
I cried. I laughed. I laughed. I cried. I laughed. I cried. I laughed. I cried.
I was, figuratively speaking, on a roller coaster ride–Courageous, the movie.
I especially liked the “snake king” gang scene. INTENSE, let me tell you.
The best yet put out by this group that made Facing the Giants and Fireproof.
It happened to my sister.
So it came as no surprise when it happened to me.
I’ve always told my sister that we have tired blood. And I proved it this week.
I went in for a blood test–cholesterol, vitamin D, etc.
The first stick yielded a trickle of blood that practically stopped within seconds.
So, they stuck me again. This time at the wrist, in line with my thumb.
That HURT.
And I almost passed out. And for all that pain–no blood.
They tried again in my other arm. First, at the inside part of the elbow(probably has a name, I just don’t know what it is) and then they tried on the top of my hand, and then at that painful part of my wrist(with my hand dangling down toward the ground so that gravity could help the process). All for naught.
I left without giving blood. Apparently I was dehydrated.
I’ve been too chicken to go back.
I was teased at work.
So when they asked me to lick the stamps for our team Christmas cards(just kidding, of course–at least I hope they were) I had a wonderful excuse–I don’t have enough Liquid Assets–An appropriate excuse in my line of work.
I wish I could give blood. If you can, do.
Mickey (wearing his beloved flip-flops), Dawn and Grayson
Another story by Mickey Glasscock:
Ahhhhhh, does life get any better? Walking on the beach with loved ones during the evening hours of another glorious day in our Lord’s creation.
The sky and stars were hypnotic. Listening to the waves as they break on the sand and the smell of the salt air…. It’s as soothing as laying in the bed with the windows open as a child just after momma had tucked me in for a long night’s sleep…………….. Oopps, sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let’s start from the beginning.
I love the beach and I especially love the family beach vacations we’ve taken over the past several years in September.
During these trips, several in our group enjoy late evening beach strolls. It was during one of these strolls that something very strange occurred and a story that I would like to enlighten you with.
I would always wear an old pair of flip flops on these evening beach walks but on this particular night, for some odd reason, I chose to wear my beloved Sketchers flip-flops, (if I ever wear them out, I plan to bronze them).
Once on the beach, our journey begun; I took off my flips and carried one in each hand.
As we walked I ventured out in the surf a little farther than the others, I was enjoying the salt water running over my feet and the sand squashing twents my toes.
I got to admit I was really enjoying myself when all of a sudden I was hit by one of those rogue waves. All two and a half foot of it hit me like a tsunami, knocking one of my adored flip flops right out of my hand.
I saw my flop floating a few feet from me, knowing time was of the essence I made a mad dash for it but to no avail; the ocean gobbled up my flip like my little Sara with a slice of watermelon!!
I was stunned and in disarray as everyone gathered around me to see what had happened. I whined and moaned as I told my sad tale of how the cruel sea had eaten my beloved flop but sympathy wasn’t in the cards that night. The responses I got were, “is that all?” and “you needed new ones anyway”.
I got to admit the crowd was tough that night my friend.
My lady friend Dawny wasn’t helping either, giggling at my heartbreak, telling me they are only flip flops. Well it was hard but I continued our journey with Dawny by my side. As we walked my sadness quickly turned to anger, how could the ocean be so cruel and how could the people I loved, especially Dawny, be so unsympathetic.
These were my treasured flips! I couldn’t take it any more, I turned to the ocean and with a mighty heave I hurled my other flop into the waiting mouth of the sea.
After doing this I turned to Dawn and my eyes said to her “there, how do you like them apples sister”.
She simple looked at me, shook her head and said “that was pretty dumb but whatever”.
Women, they just don’t understand, I mean I felt a lot better after my heave into the sea.
Alas, this feeling was short lived; we had walked only about a hundred yards further up the beach when my daughter, Amber, came running back to me. “Daddy, daddy!!” she exclaimed “look what I found!!”
Lo and behold it was one of my flips!! It had washed ashore, my prayers were answered!! But wait, where was the other one!
Then it came crashing down on me what I had done, as I stood there holding the flop to my head, Amber asked me what was wrong.
Dawn quickly provided an explanation, “Your daddy, being the intelligent person that he is, threw the other flip flop into the ocean”.
Boy the look them two gave me. You could have bought me for a penny and still got change!
Dawn was of no help as I stood there in my agony and defeated state. She extended the encouraging words “why don’t you throw that one in too, sad sack”.
Well, I aimed to please so again I turned towards the ocean and with another mighty heave sent my treasured flop deep into the bowels of the hungry sea.
I turned back towards my female loved ones with victory in my eyes, well at least I thought it was victory, Dawn and Amber mistook it for insanity because Dawn said in a monotone voice, “well it’s happened, your Daddy has finally lost it”.
Like I said, us guys love our women but we’ll never understand them. I contemplated about this as we slowly began walking, Dawn rolling her eyes at me every now and again, Amber running ahead to join the others.
Dawn and I had probably walked another hundred yards or so when I heard the ones in front of us yell out in excitement.
We walked quickly to them to see what the matter was.
Unbelievable!!
There standing in front of me was Amber holding both of my beloved flops.
They glowed with ambience as she handed them to me.
She said with a smile, “Daddy it was amazing both of them were lying together in the surf, they must have washed up together”.
I was thrilled and astonished as I stood there looking at the sea soaked sandals. Finally, with eyes looking up and flops extended towards the sky, I exclaimed “how could this be?”
No one seemed to know until Dawn offered up her logical answer “The ocean probably couldn’t stand the smell”.
They all laughed and cackled at my expense.
Me, I was just glad to get my beloved flip flops back! Which I still wear to this day much to the dismay of the one I call my Dawny.
Anita Here: Two and a half foot rogue wave indeed. Too funny! The pictures are all from last year’s trip. I’m looking forward to going back this year. I need more stories from Mickey.
There are two things drilled into us by the news media:
1) The earth is getting warmer
2)Americans are getting fatter
Something is wrong with those two items together.
I have learned in years past that fat is a good insulator, making humans better able to withstand cold.
Based on pure body size, I’m predicting we’re heading for an ice age.
It seems I’m more than ready.
Note: This post is supposed to be humorous for some of you folks who don’t “get it”.
Picture taken from my NC porch on March 2, 2009.
Scott said, “Sara, let me pull your tooth so the tooth fairy can bring you money tonight.”
Sara said, “It’s not about the money, Uncle Scott.”
And that’s the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Some people can’t handle the tooth.
The tooth shall set you free.
(I’m feeling a little corny tonight–way passed my bedtime)
To commemorate the celebration of my sister’s 40th Birthday, I’ve invited Mickey to share another one of his stories.
Take it away Mickey:
Hey, it’s Mickey again and at the request of Anita, I have got another story to tell you.
This one concerns me and a fair skinned beauty named Dawn who just happens to be not only Anita’s sister but also my fiancée. That being said, let’s get to the story.
It was a Saturday several years ago and not just the usual Saturday either, not for Dawn anyway. This particular Saturday was the last of two consecutive dance recitals involving her daughters Grayson, 7, and Sara, 5.
The girls were in three dances a piece and Dawn had to dress them for each and then go quickly upstairs to view each performance.
During one of her ventures up the stairs she turned her ankle. Well let me just tell ya, my Dawnie doesn’t take to pain very well.
She did manage to get through the recital but when I got to her house afterwards I could tell she wasn’t in the best of moods. So being the thoughtful fellow that I am I told her I was taking her to the movies and then dinner.
Her mood lifted slightly as we headed out the door. Once at the movies, I got my usual, tub of popcorn and drink. The movie we were going to see was Fracture with Anthony Hopkins. We settled in to our seats and seeing a smile come to Dawn’s lips all I could think was, “Mickey you the man!!”
Alas, her mood changed during the course of the movie. Dawn just could not seem to get comfortable; she kept changing the way she was sitting. I thought I was sitting beside a three year old the way she was squirming!
I asked her what was wrong and she said her ankle was hurting her. Also she said she had been so busy, she hadn’t had time to eat lunch. I thought the popcorn was lunch but she said it wasn’t, go figure.
The squirming went on for a little over an hour when Dawn abruptly stood and told me she was going to the bathroom. I asked her if there was anything I could say to help her but she said she was fine and would be right back.
My thoughts of concern quickly shifted to the movie and popcorn and without the fidgeting going on beside me, I lost track of time.
I was totally engrossed in the movie when a tap came to my shoulder, with my jaws swollen from a hand full of popcorn I looked up to see two attendants standing over me. Reverting back to my younger days, I panicked, wondering what I had done wrong. The thoughts quickly faded and I said “what’s up?” coolly, popcorn falling from my mouth.
They asked me if I was with a blonde who had on blue jeans and red sandals.
It was then I realize after glancing at my watch, Dawn had been gone about 20 minutes. I told them I was.
They said she was laid out in the women’s bathroom and would I come with them.
As I filled my mouth with more popcorn (I must have looked like a pig eating from the trough) I knew I had to make an important decision; to stay or go. I mean that movie and that popcorn were getting really good!
Well the good angel on my right shoulder won out, I reluctantly sat my popcorn down and followed the attendants out the door.
When we got to the women’s bathroom, I peeked in and the sight my eyes beheld was right out of Wizard of Oz!!!
There protruded from one of the stalls were two legs and feet. The feet were adorned with red shoes. Those of you familiar with the Wizard of Oz should be able to recall the scene when Dorothy’s house lands on the wicked witch, her two legs and red shoed feet were all you could see.
I walked over to the stall and peered in.
There laid Dawnie sprawled out like a mummy between the toilet and paper holder with a huge black eye!
She said she had fainted from the pain in her ankle and from not eating. I asked if she was okay; she said she was fine and that she was going to lie there for a while.
She did look comfortable lying there with her head beside the toilet, the paper unrolled to where it was almost touching her mouth, (it was actually moving from her breath), clicking her red sandals together.
As I looked down at her a thought went through my head. “Man if I only had a camera because this was definitely a Kodak moment!”
Although the sight was priceless and trust me it was, I knew I had to get my Dawnie out of there. I reached down and pulled her up. Once up she said “weeeeeeee!!!!, let’s do that again!” I thought about it but I figured I had her up so I better keep her that way.
The attendants and I walked her down to the fountain area of Palace Pointe where we sat down and waited for the EMTs to arrive to check Dawn out.
After their arrival, the EMTs gave Dawn a thorough checkup, Dawn being a good patient, was asking for medical advice for every ailment she’d had for the past several years.
Everything checked out fine other than her blood pressure. Seems Dawn has always had very low blood pressure and after checking it three times the EMT told her if she had not been talking and breathing he would have figured her dead!
Dawn then went in to the long story about her low blood pressure.
I tell you the truth; she talked more in that time with those EMTs and Palace Pointe attendants than she had in the past year and a half we had dated!
When she finally took a long breath and was quiet for a minute, the EMTs seized the opportunity and said they had to go.
They helped me board Dawnie in my car and bid their farewells.
This story did have a happy ending though. Palace Pointe gave us two free movie passes. And you ready for this! FREE POPCORN and drink to go with the passes!
Oh yeah, lest I forget, Dawn was okay too!! Well other than the twisted ankle, black eye, bruised hip and the knot on her head she got during the way.
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